Close your eyes and think of the most Yuletidey, appropriately Christmasy ornament you can imagine. Now open your eyes and see a bee wearing SCUBA gear.

(Why is this in Target’s “Sentimental Memories Collection?” If you possess childhood nostalgia for that time you went deep-sea diving with insects, please comment below and/or immediately ask someone to drive you to the nearest rehab clinic.)

Special bonus: glasses shaped like champagne flutes or cartoon eyelids or droopy breasts or something.

Other hats include HAPPY CURE FOR CANCER, HAPPY FUNERAL, and HAPPY OCCURRENCE OF EVENT.

Sorry. It’s over. Try again next millennium.

Via. This is like the worst Abbot & Costello routine ever.

Considering this half-assed attempt is about the least jolly thing I’ve ever seen, the only unironic explanation is that it must be specifically personalized for someone named “Jolly.” Actually, since the shape resembles no human foot, it must be specifically personalized for some sort of dolphin or possibly narwhal named “Jolly.”

Caught your 12-year-old son watching the finale of Project Runway? Give him this gift card for Christmas and it’ll masculine him up real quick.

1. And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy.
   
2. And the beast which I saw was like unto a leopard, and his feet were as the feet of a bear, and his mouth as the mouth of a lion: and the dragon gave him his power, and his seat, and great authority.

Pretty close.

Also very nice was the lighted Christmas tree-shaped pile of rotting deer corpses (not pictured).

Hallmark’s The Twilight Zone ornament. It’s true, nothing makes me feel all cozy warm and fuzzy inside more than “Time Enough at Last” and “The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street.”